My Heart.... Mi Corazon

Hi Brothers and Sisters!

There are so many things on my heart right now!  I have so much to share but I truly don't know where to start! The most recent heart explosion came last night when a wonderful woman of God apologized to me and asked for my forgiveness for trying with all of her might to hold up a wall she had placed between her heart and outsiders. 

There has been so much tragedy and trauma here in this valley over the last 2 years or so.  It's no wonder that there is no trust here.  The local folks haven't even dealt with their own fears, concerns and past histories let alone are they able to deal with new folks.

So what I am focused on is the apology... isn't that the hardest thing to do sometimes? Believe me, I was humbled by the gesture.  That hasn't happened too often in my lifetime.  All the times we think people owe us an apology but we know we will never get it and yet we still love those that have hurt us and continue to hurt us.  We write off the behavior somehow as acceptable.  But when it comes to church and congregations, things change.  Maybe we have different expectations of the people coming to church because they are supposed to be serving the same God as we are, right?!  They are supposed to "act" right, right?!  That turns into a whole mess all on it's own.  We forget the amount of grace that God has shown to us and we start judging those that are hurting us.  We forget that "hurt people, hurt people", and instead of reaching out and loving them back, we start back biting and gossiping.  Satan is crafty... believe that! Guard your mouth in those situations as your tongue holds the power of life and death.

So a person comes to you to apologize... if you've ever done the apologizing, you know that it is so humbling.  Growing up, I never wanted to do anything wrong.  I knew that if I did something wrong, I was going to get punished and I wasn't going to hear the end of it for days.  I knew I wasn't perfect but I wasn't going to let anyone else see that!  I'd lie about anything!  I was not going to get in trouble.  It took a fairly recent mistake and season of correction for me to learn the grace that our sweet Father God has for us.  His love felt like a gentle wave that just moved me to the place where He wanted me to be.  It was so sweet that I almost forgot the severity of the incident because I didn't get all beat up and yelled at and disgraced like what might have happened with others in my life in the past.  I don't remember ever feeling so much love as I did during that season. 

So you remember what it's like to get that humble... your heart is pumping, you start sweating, maybe crying... shaking at the knees... you are trying to gather your thoughts, you know that you just have a small window of opportunity to do the right thing but you are soooo afraid that you might once again say the wrong thing.  Your stomach gets all tied up in knots and sometimes you aren't even too confident in your bodily functions working properly during a time like this!  And then it happens... you speak!  And then, oh, what a relief!  You almost feel like you are going to pass out!  (And we'll assume the recipient is in agreement and forgives you.  The alternative can be left for another subject altogether!)  Everything is almost a blur, your ears are ringing and your breathing is just starting to come back to normal after being so shallow and your heart is now pounding but slowing.  Whew.... you made it through and ..... you're ok!  The main thing you learn from this is to be slow to not ever do that again.  You don't want to have to apologize for that ever again!

Or maybe you are the one that is being apologized to... Had they offended you?  Had they hurt you with their words?  Which old wound in your soul was being hammered by the actions that took place? Why were you reacting to that incident like you are?  What happened in your past that you are holding this person responsible for?  Maybe you haven't completely dealt with some of those situations in your past. Most of the time it turns out that a lot of the responsibility of the "incident" and how it turned out, might just be ours!  If we are healed in our soul, we won't react to things in negative ways that would create a situation where an apology would ever have to happen!  

My question is this... do you ever self examine when someone is apologizing to you?  They aren't apologizing to you because you are right... they should be apologizing because that is the right thing to do.  So how do you process it?  Boastfully and proud because you "won"?...  Oh, I hope not.... I hope that you will reconsider not only your heart condition at that time but that you'll consider your responsibility that just might have contributed to this entire situation.  

In other words, get humble... friends ~ get broken.     Get out of your busyness and get broken in the Lord.  That moment of that incident could just be over and go away in a blink of an eye... or you could hold on to it for a moment and examine it.  It's my opinion that if you took the time to do that and get together with the Lord on the situation, the Lord will tell you what it is that He wants you to know.  It may have nothing to do with the other person at all!  It may for once just be all about you!!  Just sayin'.... :)

It is my goal to write every day... there are many events going on here so there is no shortage of topics!  I love you all and thank you for your part in my life! :)

God bless! 

Janice